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December 7th, 2011 (04:39 am)

I, Cat Rokkit, fully admit that the university counsellor is the thing keeping me in college. This is the person I needed a decade ago.

Wait. Let's reframe that in the positive.

I, Cat Rokkit, now have a therapist that works. With her, I now believe I am not a misfit toy for with rusty cogs --

No, more positive.

I, Cat Rokkit, feel blessed to have made progress, real beautiful progress, with my super awesome radtastic counselor. And I am now confident that I am able to become the person I strive to be.

Today, I realized a quality about myself that is pretty special. My compulsion to fix things makes me want to do good things for the people in my life. Our cafeteria service provider was not in good spirits today when I came through to get my kids' lunches. I asked "How are you?" She said that she was feeling down. She is always very sweet to me, always willing to cut me some slack (I'm her favorite, which is pretty excellent ^_^) so I felt like I should just listen to her. We all have times when we just need someone to listen to us and give our feelings a little validation. So I did that. And then I gave her a compliment. She was wearing different earrings, so I told her that I thought they were cute. And then we just chatted about earrings for a bit. When I left, she was smiling and laughing. She looked like a weight had lifted off her shoulders. And I helped brighten her mood. Same thing with my mom tonight. She was in the phase of hungry when you really need to eat something but cannot seem to figure out what to eat. We went to Teeter, bought a meatloaf (I swear she's iron deficient), and I plated it with some frozen veg. Oh, wait, as we were walking into the grocery store Mimsy told me that she just doesn't feel like she has any Christmas spirit. "It's not you. The weather is messing with you," I said. Because that's the long and short of it. It's December, so it's dark outside by 5 BUT it's, like, 60°. Your body is totally confused. Christmas spirit? Not when it feels like April. And then I suggested she get a slice of chocolate cake. She was like "which kind do you want?" So Mimsy. "No, this is totally your choice. You get the one you want. All cake is delicious in my opinion. Your call." I like being this person. I like making my mother feel happier. I like giving compliments to people who work hard for my kiddos. Now here is where I would ordinarily say something dismissive like "because it's no skin off my nose". But I didn't do nice things because I was gonna do them anyway; I did nice things today because I am a nice person. I am a good person.

I tried working in the basement, but so far the best work space has been sitting in my car behind Wilkinson Hall. Ok. That's good to know. There is still some critical bit left to discover. Maybe I should look into getting a mobile wifi hotspot. How's that for framing positively?

Um, this might be TMI to any random rando stumbling upon this LJ (Hi?), but today my brain spontaneously reframed something that had been weighing on me for, like, months. That guy I hooked up with in Seoul? 1) I know for a fact that I was wearing the Magic Red Dress and therefore was lookin' all kinds of sexy. At least three people wanted to fuck me that night in that dress. 2) He'd gone just as long as I had since he last had sex, ie not a man-whore. 3) I was drrrrrrrrunk. He was not. 4) I'm pretty sure now that the next day is always awkward. Like, my experience was not unique in it's craptacular denouement. 5) Yo, he got to fuck me at my hottest. 6) I also got to fuck him at his hottest. BAAAAAASICALLY what I've realized is that, like a kindergarten's butterfly emerging from its cocoon, this vile squishy thing has become something lovely (or at least not repugnant). I release you back into the ether, drunk hook-up butterfly.

But most of all, I'm thankful for the beauty of clarity. I don't think God is the operator at some grand switchboard (after all, humans have free will so it stands to reason that God is probably not an interventionist in our temporal lives) but I do believe that God is present in our lives. Those weird moments when emotion suddenly swells and your heart feels fit to burst, like an earthquake is occurring with your soul as the epicenter, I think those are times when we feel God's love. And those are life's most precious and beautiful