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nekorokketo [userpic]

December 14th, 2011 (07:16 am)

I, Cat Rokkit, want to very much to write about feeling sad and being a failure. I'm not going to but I just wanted it noted that Cat Rokkit BC (before counselor, natch) would be churning out page after page of moroseness. Cat Rokkit AC will instead be writing about the beauty today brought to my life.

God. God is still beautiful. Duh, right? But not "duh". The universe is a limitless beauty spiraling around us. I see no purpose in debating the particulars of God vs. No God. Science can explain so many aspects of the physiology of faith, and in the temporal world I put my faith in science. But the spiritual world... Science will dissect a frog to see how it works. God is what put that frog together in the first place. I don't mean intelligent design (pseudo science at best). If humans are born with God hardwired in our brains, then for me God exists. If I'm born with legs, I walk. If I'm born with God, I have faith.

Well, I guess I discussed it after all. Moving on.

I, Cat Rokkit, am thankful for glitter. Glitter is one of those words that gives me a rush of happiness just by saying it out loud. The sun glittering on open water, glittery nail polish, my mother's glittering eyes. Ain't nothing wrong with glitter.

Similarly, I am thankful for NSync. I recently pulled out my NSync Christmas CD because, you know, tis the season. It reminded me of two things - Firstly, JC Chasez is a better singer (sorry, Timberlake) and secondly, NSync was a time when I was happy musically. When I outgrew my tween love for NSync, I dove headfirst into the teenage misery obsession for Manic Street Preachers. That's a fairly normal progression, actually. Sugar pop to depression rock, I mean. Listening to that CD felt like a hug. When I switched that CD for a random college mix CD, that hug feeling melted away. And the weird part of that is I had a greater emotional attachment to my mix CDs. Dubs tee eff. I frites much happier listening to middle school music than college music. My emotional sense memory is that pervasive. Weird. So I've made the decision to take a break from anything I liked from 10th grade to present. I'm going to stick all my old fave CDs in my car and just see where that takes me.

I have also made the decision to find a homework advisor. By that, I mean someone unrelated to me that will help me learn to be organized and break down large tasks into small tasks and basically all the stuff I feel unable to do for myself. Because I need to get through this program. I am at a school full of really wonderful people who legitimately care about my success. I want to graduate. I want to teach. I want to be a teacher, the full fledged kind. The last two years have been amazing. Even the hard stuff feels warm in my memories. I guess I assumed I would always have this available, my team in my school. But Coworker 1 is going to leave PEP next year and Coworker 2 wants a site closer to her home. To be completely honest, I have wanted to work in the preschool autism program since summer school two years ago. Better money, too. Oh, wait, off track. So homework coach. The Rev is one of the all-time best people I know in, like, all respects. Her parents are equally awesome. They are both mega mega smart and sweet and genuine. Also, Grandpa Rev was an education professor and has degrees in psychology. Because I am ready to become a good student. I want this to be the last semester that goes off the rails. I realized recently that some people are really good at sitting down and working, but plenty of people work better when they have a person or two around to act as a sounding board. I am probably in the latter category.